What The X-Files taught me about love.
CW. Sexual abuse is mentioned in this blog post.
It’s officially my first anniversary of being an X-Files fan! I know I'm a bit late to the game, but this has become one of my favorite series I've watched in the last five years. While I enjoy the series for its supernatural crime cases and mysteries, what really hooked me was the complicated relationship between the two main characters, Dana Scully and Fox Mulder.
For the most part, my views on love have always been somewhat flawed (and I’m still working on it), and I'm not afraid to admit it. From fake friends telling people my secrets, to being sexually assaulted numerous times by the same person (and being blamed for it) along with dealing with people who I thought I was friends with having an issue with me out of nowhere and never addressing it; the concept of love has always confused me because I thought it would always be awful for me. I am currently working on a memoir about my horrible friendships that ended because of a guy involved, and as I am writing my story, I have been finding myself getting angry all over again. I didn’t have the best relationships with almost anyone until a certain point in my life. So today I want to focus on something slightly more positive.
I have been pretty open about how the death of my friend T’Shauna affected me and made the choice to grieve for her publicly to a certain extent. I will be honest: when she died, I debated whether or not I cared to talk to people anymore. Shortly after her passing, I began my X-Files journey, and watching Fox and Dana's interactions with each other changed my perspective on relationships a lot. These two people had been through hell and back, yet still had a profound love for each other, no matter how sad they were.
Please note that this discussion encompasses all kinds of love, and in this blog post, I am specifically referring to my relationships with friends and family.
Many issues can be resolved through open conversation.
So much of The X-Files revolves around the two main leads having to discuss their differences with each other when one does something the other doesn’t like.
I struggled to set boundaries with my friends growing up because anytime I tried to, they told me I was being sensitive and continued to push me around. People who do this aren’t worth having around, but it’s also not worth ending the friendship because of one minor slip-up. If someone you love does something to you that upsets you, talk to them about it. I have had to learn that talking things out usually works if the two of you are mature enough to understand that neither of you is perfect and didn’t mean to upset each other. Fox and Dana upset each other all the time in the series, but they aren’t doing so to be malicious to one another. They both have different personalities and had to learn how to communicate with each other more effectively.
Everyone has a story. Don’t be selfish.
Throughout the series, we learn more about the two main characters. Fox had been traumatized by the abduction of his sister and dedicated his life to wanting to know more about her disappearance. Personally, I don’t like how this series treats Dana like a punching bag because at a certain point, the main thing about her character is that she’s a woman in pain. That being said, they are aware of what’s going on with each other and give one another some grace.
I understand that most of my friends have had it hard too, and because of that, they act in specific ways that can be concerning at times. If something is going on with them and they pull away, it doesn’t have anything to do with you. Give them some time. I know this because I understand; I have days when I don’t want to talk to anyone and just want to be alone.
Please, be patient.
While Dana and Fox seeing each other all the damn time, there are times in the series where they have to wait to see each other, when you can clearly tell they want to be around one another.
Most of my closest friends don’t live nearby, and even if they do, it’s often a 45-minute drive out of the way. Considering our different work schedules, you may sometimes find yourselves at a stage in your life where you genuinely can’t spend more time with each other. Personally, I don’t think factors that are out of your control are worth ending things over. I do believe communication is essential, a factor of The X-Files that sometimes annoyed me because the lack of communication between these two at specific parts of the show was annoying because it contributed to their problems at times.
There doesn’t have to be a special occasion to hang out.
Sometimes during the series, it becomes very clear that Fox and Dana just want to be around each other, and it has nothing to do with the cases they are working on. They just like to be in each other's faces, haha.
This one is a bit embarrassing, and I blame my mother for this one. As my mom was sick throughout most of my existence, I never got to have much of a social life because of that. If I asked her if I could go hang out with one of my friends, just to go get lunch for no reason at all, she’d ask me, “What’s the occasion?” Then, basically, telling me there's no point in going out unless it’s for something special. Look, I love my mother, and I keep the details about our relationship private, but her being so sick did have an effect on my connecting with other people. Even after she died, I still rarely connected with my friends outside of a special event up until a certain point. This is one major thing I regret about my friendship with T’Shauna; I wish I had spent more time with her, just doing nothing but relaxing. Go see your friends for no reason, hanging out for the sake of seeing each other builds the bond.
Don’t revolve your life around one person!
Yes, Fox and Dana spend a lot of time together due to work, and they genuinely like each other, but I also appreciate how they are not dependent on each other. Respectfully, they have lives outside each other, and that’s healthy!
I had a friend whom I had to let go because our friendship was very unhealthy; he couldn’t handle that I had a life outside of him, and he also didn't want to consider my personal matters. He thought that he always had to do things with me. He wasn’t always the kindest about me having other friends who didn’t know him. I tried my best to help him, and it just led to my kindness being taken advantage of. It actually isn’t good to be dependent on the same person all the time. You two need time away from each other, and that’s ok! My friends all have friends and interests outside of me, and I have no issue with it. I've never been a big fan of mixing circles anyway.
The last few years have felt strange with me dealing with so much grief, and I am thankful that I have learned to become better to the ones I love along the way. I may not be perfect, but being a terrible friend is one thing I am not. I want to make sure I am good to the people I care about. There is a great deal we can learn about people from the media we consume. If you are curious to see the dynamic between two FBI agents who learn to understand each other, I recommend watching The X-Files.
Thank you all so much for reading. If you are interested in more of my writing, me and Amaya Janelle's new book You Still Can Not Call Me Sis, is now available for purchase! Offered in paperback and ebook.
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